Reflecting on life, service, and growth.
How would you react to seeing your name on a tombstone? I did, yesterday.
And this is not your everyday mental health post.
My father was buried at Quantico yesterday, following his death in January. It took a solid 7.5 months to finally get his body to the final resting place. I could not attend because of duties related to living-breathing family, but my sister was able to attend. She sent us a few pictures; a picture of the burial ceremony, and a picture of my grand-father’s grave where he too is buried at Quantico.
Two veterans, both sharing my name, are buried in a military cemetery, and I too have that privilege if I decide. I am faced with the strange question about where I want to be buried, and what affairs must I get in order before I pass. Somehow I’m suppose to do this while being a father, work teammate, and everyday man.
Life is weird. Beautiful, but freaking weird.
I was spending time with my children in a doctor’s waiting room when my sister sent me the pictures. My eldest was wearing his Batman costume, because why not? The Baby - 8 months old - sat quietly for about 10 minutes on my lap before needing something to chew on, reaching for anything that looks interesting, squealing and drooling on me until when he finally got tired wall beginning to cry for his mom. They lasted a glorious hour in the waiting room, while I pondered my own death and our lives. I swear, the colors of their cheeks has never been warmer, and their bright eyes have never seems so illuminating.
The great sages of yester-year remind us to “Momento Mori” - remember that you MUST die. I believe this is poignant advise, capable of putting every problem into perspective. We have short lives, filled with majesty all around us, and we have created a series of human society problems that make us feel sad and miserable, life quickly is drained from our bodies, and the innate imagination beat out of us with worry and fear - conformity.
During my father’s funeral in January and the subsequent days following it, I reflected upon the worst case scenarios and I sought to make peace with reality. The last few months have been a whirlwind of change and reconsiderations, and I hate to admit it, but I have forgotten the lessons that I just recently faced. The lesson of immediate, intimate, and conscious presence.
Failing to be present causes us to sleep walk through reality, to drift from fleeting memory to hazing dreams without choosing how to live now. When we forget that this story has an end, we forget to live the best we can. We forget to ask what a good life is. Most important, we forget that we are writing the story of our lives, infused with all of our emotions and thoughts. There is only the NOW that we are experiencing and the most respectful and reasonable way to live is by being present in the moment. Living in the past induces feelings that can damper our future dreams. Living in the future causes us to miss this very instant.
Like many of you, I often drown myself in my work in order to distance myself from the realities of life, forgetting to take care of my mind and body, and to maintain the most important relationships in my life. For the last 3 years I have been pouring my energy into my work, ultimately needing to walk away from the experience with a ton of knowledge and skills. During that time I was usually just invested into my daily actions, on autopilot, or I was making future plans and actions to get me “somewhere”.
When a person puts all of their energy into their work they can negatively impact their interpersonal relationships, their physical body, their emotional and spiritual congruency. I was this person, while trying to cope with burn out and the stress of being in a foreign environment for an extended timeframe. It took walking away from my roles and being willing to take a considerable amount of time off to breathe before I was able to reengage with the world. I don’t think I would have even considered my mental health or well-being if it wasn’t for the birth of my son and the death of my father, while being home with my family during it all, reminding me that I have much more to live for than work.
YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
I’d be wiling to bet that a majority of the global workforce is burned out, or could be with little workplace, financial, or familial hardship.
Hypocritically, I have been a major contributor to “mental health awareness” and “burnout” discussions in my various roles. Before having an burnout episode myself about 4 years ago I would have told you that it’s nervousness or for a “certain” kind person. After experiencing it, and then learning about the reality of burnout, I know now that many of us are on the brink of serious physio-emotional reactions. We aren’t even considering the long term effects that our actions will have on our loved-ones or communities if we don’t find ways to deal with the changing world.
We cannot offer the best of us during critical times if we are not prepared and ready to face reality. To be resilient we have to preemptively act. You need to be present to make good decisions, which is hard when you find yourself in a cloud of confusion, what we can in the military the “fog of war”.
This may be your wake up call to consider how you are living and the work you are doing. Are you really taking enough vacation time? Do you really want to stay in that job and work towards that promotion? Are you happy? Are you talents and interests being leveraged? Do you know why you are waking up and working - what are you working towards?
Most importantly: Is there anything that you must give yourself some time to deal with, so you can be more effective with it removed from your subconscious?
I hope you take some time to step back before it is too late, and that you don’t need a birth, death, funeral, or illness to wake you up the the nature of our lives. We will absolutely die in due time. We have no control of when and where, but we have control of how we live. Let’s choose to live without regret.
You won’t regret taking extra time off to walk in nature or to take your wife on a date. You won’t regret taking your child to the park, or picking something special up for your teenage daughter. But you will, for sure, regret working too much. You’ll regret putting more time and energy into your work, or your vices, than into accomplishing your dreams and building a legacy.
We’re too old to take naps, but respectfully - you probably need a nap and some meditation. You might need to quit, get that divorce, go to the gym, apologize to that person, stop making excuse, and a stop being a victim to circumstance.
Maybe you just need a timeout to think for yourself surrounded by trees and a cool breeze.